In the fall of 2015, I thought God was calling me to a big adventure-something
that would finally take my passions and preparations and put them to use. I recall two specific moments. One was when the Holy Spirit impressed on me
to remove my shoes during worship – I was on Holy Ground this day unlike any
other. The second was while worshiping, I
was praying the lyrics of a song and felt Him approve of my prayer, “Take me
deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the
presence of my savior.”
As the months unfolded, change came in the form of a move to
a new city (and all that entails) and an empty nest. I was ready for anything! I
got busy looking for the big adventure, asking, seeking, knocking, and putting
myself “out there,“ but nothing happened. Nothing at all. For whatever reason
God was just shutting all kinds of doors. Then he was shutting every door. I
couldn’t get a door to open to save my life.
If you called it a midlife crisis and you wouldn’t be
wrong. I had thought my identity was in
Christ prior to this time, but I was quickly and painfully learning that I
really did have my identity tied up in the roles that were now over or severely
decreasing in importance.
I came to the shocking truth that it wasn’t enough for me just
to be a child of God. It wasn’t enough just to be a wife and mom of adult
children.
I felt miserable about myself. I think it’s fair to say I made
everyone close to me miserable, too. That just added to the guilt and despair.
I struggled for about a year and a half with this and then
one day I was offered a dream job. My spirits instantly soared! I was
absolutely giddy with delight! Someone valued me! "I’m so happy! This is
GREAT! This is the prize for all the suffering! Then the little voice in my head whispered, “If you take this job, you will have failed at being content in God.” I was a little sad at the thought but I quickly abandoned the thought and rationalized that I really needed a job and this job would be a once in a lifetime opportunity! I
had to take it.
Except the offer ended up disappearing. No explanation. A
very nice rejection letter, but no explanation.
Not so valued after all. But it was
an opportunity to do the hard work of getting right with God. I reluctantly accepted the challenge. (God’s grace comes in the most unlikely
packages.)
Through all the ups and downs, as hard as this season was, I’d still
open my bible. I’d still force myself to
go to church or listen to bible studies, all the time wrestling and trying to
make sense of everything. Even when I can’t make sense of any of the mess, what
I do know, I KNOW.
The tomb is empty.
Sometimes all you have to cling to is what you’ve already
settled as truth. And the tomb is empty.
It was months later, while on a long run, when otherwise
completely unrelated events and people came together in my mind and changed my
perspective. What I knew about creation, the state of our world until Jesus
returns, the plot of the enemy of our soul, the promise of hardship, the
promise of joy that can be ours in the midst of it, and my heart’s desperate cry
to not be miserable any more all rolling around in my brain.
“Have you considered
my servant, Rachel?”
I heard those words in my head and it changed everything.
Everything.
God’s betting on me.
And he’s betting on me because he knows I’ll win. Because he’s won.
Then I heard this: “You’ve
taken two years of rest and made it labor.”
Ouch.
Scripture from the Old Testament and New starting to weave a
tapestry in my head that made everything make sense.
Better to be in the
wilderness WITH God than in the Promised Land without him- I get to BE with GOD!
While this world is real and what we do
here matters, this is NOT our home! He’s
preparing a forever place where we get to be with him!
Joy is a choice! It
comes with trust and trust comes from faith and faith placed in the One who is
raised from the dead is well placed!
I know God counts my
tears and holds them in his hand. They matter to him. He can keep count of them
without harm. When I count them, I focus
on sadness. Instead, I get to count the times he takes me from Glory to Glory.
.Hear me: None of the
situations that had me in despair had changed. Not one.
But my perspective has and it has made all the difference. God
can take any of our years- all of our years- and with faith in him, they can
all be rest in the midst of hardship. It really is a choice. I choose faith!
God IS my big adventure! He took these two years to sift out
some junk so that I could have HIM in ways I had not experienced before! He has been preparing me for this for YEARS! How
amazing is that?!
By his sweet grace, he actually DOES have some neat stuff prepared
for me! I get to be the girl who gets to love Martin well so he can be all he
needs to be as he serves the 101st Airborne! I get to be the mom who encourages and loves
on her two precious daughters as they make their way in the world!
But even if I didn’t have those things, I get
to worship the God who made me simply because it was his sheer delight and
pleasure to do so! He set his heart and mind on making me “just-so.”
Almighty God just really desired to have me to love and enjoy forever.
That makes me
giddiest of all. ;-)
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