If you’re like me and you love Jesus you spend a lot of time
wondering what the purpose is for a particular season. We don’t want to miss Him or mess up how we’re
supposed to respond.
This has been a season of big life changes – empty nest,
relocating to a new city, looking for a new church, a new job, and new friends-
expecting God to use this as a clean slate in so many ways!
At a job interview about a month ago I felt very connected
to the owner and manager. They informed me that there were some issues with
staff that made the work environment less than desirable, but they were aware
of it and working on it. I saw this as a
“God thing” in that He was wanting me to work on being able to let people who
are difficult not get to me - learn how to have perseverance through a bad
situation and still have inner peace. I’ve
pushed through such situations before, but I always seem to internalize it and
it negatively affects me physically not to mention mentally. I would always let it bother me.
“Here we go, Jesus! I see what you’re after! I guess I better finally get this one right
so you don’t have to keep taking me to task on it.”
I didn’t make it 3 weeks.
The environment was toxic to me.
My stomach was in knots. My hands
would shake. I’d blame it on caffeine
withdrawal so they wouldn’t know they were getting to me – but they were. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. It was awful.
I prayed for those who were meanest as well as the ones who weren’t, but
if my prayers could be likened to loaves and fish, I brought stale crumbs and
canned sardines to the Throne.
Early this past Monday morning I recommitted to staying the
course. I prayed up, sucked it up and dragged
myself to work. The events of the
morning huddle drained whatever hope I had been able to muster just moments ago.
I left the room working so hard to focus
on what I thought God was trying to teach me - perseverance.
Then it happened.
I knocked on the boss’s
door where he and the manager were meeting to ask them a completely unrelated question
and the words, “This isn’t going to work out long term,” came out before I even
knew what I was saying.
I felt like a total failure.
I knew what God wanted from me and I couldn’t do it.
That night we went to a small group meeting and a question
was posed to us: God uses trouble to teach us to trust.
What problem in your life has brought about the greatest growth in your
character?
Ugh.
I had no answer because I am painfully aware that I had no “growth
in my character.” I bailed out of the
test, failed at trust, and victory eluded me yet again.
Wednesday evening I gave my official two weeks’ notice. The manager graciously thanked me for all I
had help her accomplish in my short time and let me off the hook – I didn’t
have to go back Thursday morning.
Thursday morning rolls around and I decided to go for a run
at a local park, plug some praise music in my ears and tell God how sorry I am
for failing Him again. I know He loves
me. I just wanted to be able to give Him
something good.
Total. Failure.
As the words from Oceans
played in my head, my heart so heavy, I thanked my sweet LORD that even though
He knew I was going to fail- again- He has been so good to me to have special
events for me on the calendar to be able to do what he knows I love best- sing
praises to Him with my old church choir family.
Throughout this new season he gave me multiple special times and one is
coming up on April 26th. I
marveled at how He loves me so much to let me have something wonderful to look
forward to in just a few more days. How
intimately he loves me and how I know he has done the exact same thing for 100’s
of others who will be there with me.
What an amazing love that makes each one of us feel like he loves us
most of all – AND HE DOES!
“You call me out upon
the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail…”
“And I will call upon
your name (JESUS), and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul
will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.”
Then in my mind’s eye I saw a saying I heard not that long
ago written in white letters, “Revenge is a poison we drink expecting the other
person to die.”
And in that mysterious place that I can’t describe His
Spirit spoke to mine.
Do you want revenge? Are you angry at them? Do you want me to avenge them on your behalf?
“Oh, no. I don’t want
revenge. I don’t want to drink that
poison. I’m really o.k. I’m just sorry I failed you.” And it was all true. My soul felt calm and free. Calm and free…
That’s our
victory. That’s our victory. That’s our victory!
Tears poured from my eyes, my breath literally taken away, and my heart
jumped for joy as I was brought to the ground as the revelation rose out of me
up to Him in praise -
“OH, YOU AREN’T DONE WITH ME! YOU DIDN’T GIVE UP ON ME!”
Oh, the sweet, overwhelming joy when we discover the truth that
GOD. IS. NOT. DONE. WITH. US!
I thought we were working on one thing, and I failed. We were working on another and we won!
And it happened so fast! It only took 3 weeks! Well, 47 years, 1 month and 3 weeks!
Instead of drinking the poison of resentment, I am drinking
up the sweet wine from grapes He’s been tending to for over 47 years! What sweet wine it is! Better than any I have
ever tasted!
“Holy Spirit you are welcome here! Come flood this place and fill the
atmosphere! YOUR GLORY GOD IS WHAT MY
HEART LONGS FOR! To be OVERCOME with Your presence, LORD… “
He IS working on you.
He is NOT done with you. He WILL
accomplish what HE has set out to do. It
will be HIS glory we are overwhelmed by.
I am overwhelmed. My Faith did stand. I am His and He is mine.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, LORD.
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